To extend your analogy: heres something useful I got recently from my very wise ex-Defence sibling: In my DefenceSibs way of looking at the world, there is only above the line or below the line thinking. Dear sirs, Beautiful bride wearing a white wedding dress running away alone in nature outdoor with leaving a bouquet of flowers and shoes on the street. She also said, I dont know how you did it???? Dont contact him. Guess thats a no. So I guess white and an old and calm played a part. They know about his affair as I texted my MIL. My father bless him even called my H personally and got one of his own contacts, one of the best psychologists in the country, arranged to see him but H refused to make the appointment. It only seems to embolden him to treat me even worse. Thats why I do not mention OW at all as that feeds the drama and by not mentioning it and therefore appearing unconcerned about it then the thrill (power high) is reduced. Its not just that he is incapable of feeling love for me, if I tell him I love him or say nice stuff about him, he gets a look on his face like he is constipated and someone stuffed a lemon in his mouth at the same time. I googled 180. I already had the locks changed and had a letter to get some basic understanding about the business end of financials. This is what made things very real for my h. He thought he would manipulate me into going along with his charm and ability to sell ice to Eskimos and I was so stupid I would agree to sharing one lawyer! But slowly slowly get out of your house. Im like what, once when you have a coffee? He even admitted that had I even had his friends or family talk to him it would not have changed anything. I have been furious, inconsolable, suicidal and catatonic. Trying Hard: I take no comfort in what my wife did based on a MLC or just simple selfishness. My crazy not only made everything get real real fast not only for my h but the OW as well!! Keep it light and maybe even a phone call that goes as such hey I was just thinking about you. Iyo inosanganisirwa nehunhu hunoshushikana uye hunofungira, apo iye (iye), nekuda kwezvikonzero zvemunhu uye zvemagariro, achitya kuroora. I don;t know how I would react if my H had come to tell me honestly he wanted to end it because I still think out of respect for the vows you should at least give things a chance (i mean Id have settled for even 3 months of working on it, let alone 3 years that your friend gave his W, TFW). Its really really bad. Most everyone here has a great message. TFWI dont know if Ive ever felt strong when I was grieving. i took one day at a time and hing in his words. I also started with a new therapist but I have to admit I dont know if Ive found the one yet but Ill persevere for now. Things changed for him just before DDay2. And when the OW tried to start up a third time he immediately showed me the email and never responded. Such an act can break your whole future life. Your comments about your husbands behavior as secretive, dismissive, and smug really hit home for me. Sometimes we just have to move on. The past and their BS are simple casualties of their selfish egos. Very smart, to play dumb. H wont get help and thinks he has done everything in the M so is justified for his dummy spit. His refusal to work on things right now may change. We all handle this in our own way. And like Vikki Stark, I thought he was talking about something mundane. The last two lines are this, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Thats when the affair ended for good. Longer answerdid I not warn you about trying unskein their fuckedupedness? For my part Im determined to keep making good ones. I believe most things can be addressed and fixed but this is a little bizarre. The hard thing to accept is that my H doesnt care at all how I am or how Im feeling about anything. I dont know what to do. Their realizationor their fearthat this partner is not the perfect one, and not even the most optimal one for them, makes them abscond. Oh SI Im sorry I made you feel bad. When you or anyone else lets those things out, you can see them in the light of day and defeat them. Why do people flee from the crown, what can be advised in this case. Good for you for letting him know he cannot control you or the situation. You cant make him understand anything at this point in time. The, April 29 Wilbanks' relatives offered a $100,000 reward and planned vigils. Dont be silly, its all good, no one has turned against you.. What we do know is that my great-grandmother grew up to be a very bitter woman who hated men. Hes acting selfish and childish because hes been exposed. But there were no options left and D was the only solution. Mine seems to be digging a hole to China! I love that TH. No. By the grace of God (and I mean that) my H came to his senses at the last possible second. That was brilliant!! And he is struggling with that as a concept (that I will go for more). He almost brushed it off. Is the OW a different culture than yours? You listen to your red flags. Life is good, the glass is half full, we have so many blessings. One minute we are sailing along and the next thing I know I am treading water trying to keep my family together. Meanwhile, be good to you. Three months was ENOUGH with the OW in the picture. Maybe you can let some things sink in too and maybe you will decide you dont want R. What has me concerned is him wanting out of the business as well. These were very trusted and old friendships to start with. Why cant I have a girlfriend??? I pray and hope you are right TH. There were so many times I wanted to bail b/c if a number of reasons (but not cheating or lying) but we hung in there. They try but they cant. I just dont want anyone to take any kind of comfort in thinking its a MLC and he/she will work through it and then our lives can go on just as before Does that make sense to you? Very unhappy with job and pay and title. He thought ALL his friends would accept a 20 year younger tattooed drama Queen with major relationship issues as his new GF. The visualization technique is effective in this case. Codependency is a need for approval from others due to low self esteem and yearning for affection. He is the guy you would bet $ on he would never cheat. Their lives continue and we enjoy silent suffering. He is sitting on his hands a lot atm waiting for me to make the moves, which is why I havent made any LOL. It was so cray-cray I thought I was going to lose my mind. Thanks so much for your kind words TheFirstWife. Since this model is based on actions / productivity versus inactions / passivity, youre either grabbing the OAR and rowing proactively or youre lying in BED making excuses, doing nothing or worse avoiding. You have a lawyer for that. The free range policy in our home was for him to do his thing at anytime the conditions were right, family commitments aside. NEVER. I took a sleeping pill last night but it only got me 4 and a half hours. On the days I let the sadness overtake me, I was a puddle on the floor. Maybe BSA has some inner communication with the non-commenters. TheFirstWife there was a moment there where I actually felt sorry for him. So I took off in my wedding dress. There are others here as well that have moved on whom I miss and learned so much from. So crazy! Satori, hes not going to kill himself. impression management?) This world tells us to seek vindication and justice but forgiveness is the only way to true peace. Grief is just so debilitating. I just need his signature. I will pray for you and I will pray for your H, sounds like hes in a bad place now. Lucky you that at least you didnt have that as well. What the hell?! That includes yours, your H, mine, and my ex. Hello SatoriSo glad you posted. And not seeing his kids every day b/c he had to live away from us due to his cheating would have been the worst of it. Will she forgive you? Especially if you have no idea if he will continue to support you in the next months. What kind of holiday is this? You will see that. And H started telling me how E kept talking about his new crazy sex life. No responsibility, accountability nor ownership has been required of my H by any of the people who stood there and witnessed our marriage vows. So yeah, no. She didnt have a pot to piss in, but I could have gotten her house that my h REBUILT FOR HER!!! She tried to convince me she never loved her last husband but her Facebook page is full of reminders of their love. Especially since the affair had been going on for almost 4 years!!! Not his. Boo Hoo fantasyland ride is coming to an end for him. Im not sure where this is going but if the docs are not signed by mid Sept, then its a whole new ball game. S. Its encouraging your H made a move towards you. It was MC or divorce. Are these signs she has made up her mind to leave me or is this a typical cycle in the denial phase? My impression of you has been that youre one of the nicest, most considerate, most rational people EVER to comment on this site. Vaega o Runaway Bride Syndrome The people who get burned the most are the ones who have allowed their spouse to magically maintain a certain lifestyle without knowing how such a lifestyle is maintained or where the money comes from. I found out the A had resumed (b/c I called the OW) and put on my out of tolerance and patience boots and took back control of me, kids, $ and my life. But from what I have read EAs and PAs are a form of self medicating too. Why didnt you respond to my message?. One person is replaceable with anotherone wife with another, one child or two children with others. TheFirstWife: wow, from what you write our situations seem very similar. My RAGE was all consuming!!! I just cant see a way to where he becomes his nice self and my H again. Sadly many men (and women) choose to cheat to add a thrill in their life. No one around me gets it. When in crisis the emotions are like a wild roller coaster ride. As far as my own actions are concerned, I do feel Im doing the best I can. Now Im thinking on it. Reiterate your love for him and be kind but dont make it easy for him. Im just holding on to the beautiful experiences I HAD in the M even though H wants to rewrite the marital history as if that was all my illusion and really it was flat out misery. It printed at the office. He thought he had the power, but then I magically found mine, found out the truth and TA-DA!! As part of the plea bargain, a misdemeanor charge of filing a false police report was dismissed. I am so sorry to read this. It's important to know! But no we are losing our other half because they are choosing to leave us. Kinda like the bank robber accusing the witness of being a tattle tale! You can always start another one. I am leaning towards my MIL as emissary (or as TryingHard called it a fishing expedition) in search of hard info and to take the temperature on what the general vibe was towards her son. When my h got served with paper from my lawyer he had moved to his sisters place 6 doors down from me. I think when she sent you that short messsge she just didnt know what to say. After discovery the house of cards cave in and they are generally left with nothing. He asked for another chance and I said fine you have a chance but I made him sign a post nup. It didnt go well. Needless to say it came up a MC she said dream talking and drug talking dont mean anything. SI. Seriously, just give it a miss. Be prepared for the worst case scenario. If my husband ever cheats, I will announce to him that we have an open relationship and ask him to help me write an online profile or to fix me up with one of his colleagues. Because of this, they do not communicate their feelings to their spouse. You are my beautiful girrrrrlll. Boy A LOT happened on that trip too. I love LOVE your Skank Fever def! Ultimately it is a surrendering of all my pain and suffering to Him and trusting that everything will be ok one day. It is amazing how most people avoid conflict or confrontation. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, He embraces his new identity wholeheartedly. I played hardball at this stage. Ok youve done you job with regards to your h well being. Far away. I know what it feels like. Yep sorry youre going to have to make the effort because well hes a frightened little forest creature now. So I picked up the phone and called the OW and she spilled the beans. He is upset you are changing the insurance policy that he no longer has to pay for?? And screwing up my dear DILs life. She would just smile and listen. He left and I went into shock. Teary. That is until the moment of impact. She would just politely detach. We are dealing with highly emotional subject matter.we have to be able to show our emotions. My story above about the inspiration or influence as you call it has stayed with me, as I have long felt my H tends to be whoever he is in front of at the time. My advice to you is this.you are in crisis, so make no major decisions. As did yoga and exercise and reading some good books. He said NO. I took that kick me sign off my back and became a demanding assertive bitch! And get some sleep! I kept trying and trying to call him. Groucho Marx. Narcissism is selfishness in its purest form. My friends husband bought a bar as his mid life crisis. We have more power in those early few months than we realize. He didnt go for counseling (which I think was mistake) but was doing everything he could. She even blamed me for her affair. Let him squirm. I think thats ok. H: I dont know what to do. One family member now calls my H The Fifth Column. Just dont take what he says literally right now. Of course OW called and told him about her front door being broken too. I think we should just let it be. I have seen this happen, especially with people who do not have a strong sense of who they are. Accordingly and respectfully, I cannot agree with your statement that you deserve better treatment from me as a fellow betrayed spouse. Maybe even about the business if you can. Ive seen many great going concerns collapse after this shit. Nobody deserves to be betrayed by their partner. The business makes that hard. He couldnt understand that I didnt trust him to take care of me financially. I felt so alone and unique in my pain. LOL, we all know that was disingenuous. And finding ones inner bad-ass also makes one realize they are worth more than being cheated on. Not interested. Thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and have a successful relationship. Im ready to do recovery in all of the ways you suggest, but only now having fully processed the situation and come to some level of acceptance. Risk assessment indicates I have to now. How do they come up with all of these ridiculous lines that are the same? Gird your loins where my final words that day. Where is truth between the two of them??? TheFirstWife, Thank you for the explanation of how it dovetailed for you with H / therapist / R Im starting to harden my resolve as I have given him plenty of opportunity to make amends. Thats when I came home like a freaking house on fire and thru down the gauntlet. But Im gathering thats the typical CS blame game. Im thinking he doesnt have a lawyer yet? I was reluctant to push so I said fine, no problem. So, what do you do with this new information? Work out, go on a trip, read, take up a new hobby. he cries but is it from remorse or from his own pity party. She said Its like a package thats really huge and cumbersome. But when I found out he had ended it hours earlier. She called me that night how he was lying on the sofa crying. But yet he was convinced the relationship was in for the long haul. Something to consider through this: no matter the outcome of your marriage, this is a chance for a new beginning. So yes, it appears there is no conversation to be had. Yes I did indeed boot/block one person and only one person- ever from this site a few years ago. He wasnt 50 but he sure said the same things he said when he decided to have another at 56. It was work, I was being dramatic, he didnt follow the patterns of someone having an affair. Genetics are PuTang Mass Medical cut x Cake Fighter Stray Fox. Unique bridal, occasion wear & evening dresses boutique. TH: When I told him I loved him. Affairs may happen at a certain time of a mans life but that age certainly doesnt cause an MLC. Of course she claims it was all just for show. I mean how appropriate was that? I also called his key employees the week of DDay 1 and told them about his affair with the employee. Sadly you have to move on and continue your life without him. Secondly I have done my sums, paperwork and legal but its all just sitting there until I green light that step. its good to know that something do minor gets him twisted b/c it is one less thing he can torture you with. I never spoke to my MIL again about my wifes affair, which began my silent suffering. I didnt understand why I should walk away after 15 years with no effort which seemed to be her instruction to me. This is a very interesting issue. Satori- I feel for you. He admitted he had NO idea I would fight for our marriage and him the way I did. Both really good books with great information that will validate A. It is so eerie how almost 100 percent of this article describes what happened to me and her. But we dont all create a fantasy life with someone other than our spouse. Ive kept my cool for the most part but the lack of sleep and edginess of things allows H to provoke me on some occasions. Its good to hear how you are doing..I am so glad you were able to get the help you needed. TheFirstWife, TryingHard. The meds helped and I was only on them short term. I told him to sign the documents or GTFO. The betrayed spouse has no opportunity to go through marriage counseling to repair the marriage. Just checking in on you. Oh gawwwwwd I remember that damn anxiety and heart beating out of my chest in the middle of the night like I was running a race!!! financial incompatibility (money disagreements) substance abuse. TryingHard. I wasnt any of those things. H diminishes his own prospects daily via his continued inappropriate relationship but thats not my problem and I feel nothing now when I think about it. Wish I could rely on any sort of consistency from him though! 4. I think this lawyer is going to open up his eyes. No one is forcing you to read my posts. Scroll past. Before I knew there was OW, I also worried about drug use, as his personality change was so extreme. Soulmate crap. Maybe he is just stubborn and doesnt want to admit he was wrong. Hes literally not in his right mind. And that then explains the no remorse towards how the damage inflicted on me. Thank you kindly. It was weird. It cant be helped when, as you put it, the person you trusted the most is the most dangerous risk. He also saw the OW for who she truly was and it wasnt pretty. I still have to have a meeting with H for pre-Christmas arrangements. Curiously Satori my h used those exact words well at least I got your attention . I was nervous to reach out on here but Im losing my mind and it is 4am. In our FOO males are the only people who are allowed to hold power, women must know their place and simply breed and bring in money so we can do what we want. Until a week or so later when he wasnt sure. Because you need to make sure that you can get your finances in order. Google 180. This guy has put not only your personal well being into peril with his stupid fantasy hes put your financial well being and your business at risk. Yeah, Imma let them finish. Well nothing meaningful at least. Some of us drone on and on and are repetitive and then some of us like to throw some spicy words out for general impact and sometimes even laughs. Im working on getting more sleep. Satori As far as I know, he was cheating on me for at least 3 of our 10 years together. If you thought your H had this A as revenge against you that would really make him a monster. Right now hes scared and or defensive and ashamed and scared. Scared of it all. Hi TryingHard, was that last post you made a reply to me? This narcissist is a chameleon who often plays the role of whatever he thinks the other person wants him to be so that he can get his/her needs met. I also changed ALL his life insurance policies so I was the account holder. Then it continued: Hey, you know theyre all the same and you know youre doing better on your own so dont buy in. So, let me get this straight: I should be treated like shit by his son because Im intelligent, and, because of this higher brain function it somehow logically follows Ill be fine to walk away from my business, my M, my house and everything I have worked for and now just go and get a job??? I saw a large Japanese plate my father had gotten in Japan during WWII and I considered grabbing it and smash him over the head with it. Offer to pay over a term period. Theres a big difference between being an asshole and assertive. The biggest leverage I had is I would destroy a business that took decades to build. Once I took control of me and future it was a whole different ball game and he was facing strike 3. was worried about his mental health. And will never take responsibility for any of it. In some cases, other family members fill the role of the OP to the MLCer, e.g. But it happens. But the last month of the A was the worst of it. Satori No idea what took me so long ???? Mind you I wasnt using that as a tactic I was sobbingly brokenhearted. Get all you finances ready. She wasnt sure how she felt. Puzzled is right: it takes great strength of character and integrity to endure betrayal. R is a commitment. Dont limit yourself to the false belief that lewd rhetoric and abrasive posturing is all you have to offer. Satori I am so sad for you. I doubt whether there would be a change in circumstances if you knew before he left or not (about the A). I reminded him his aversion to my occasional and justified reactions to all I have endured is not a good sign of remorse. Ive always felt this is a safe place to vent and let it out. Great advice! Storstadsjournalisten Ike har skrivit en ganska lgnaktig historia om Maggie, en kvinna som har sagt nej vid altaret ngra gnger. She was 20 years younger. I didnt find a text or stumble across an email. Hugs and prayers for you and your son. It is great that you can spend time together but (isnt there always a but) .it is telling and showing you it is over. Seems appropriate to me). They tried talking sense but he was having none of it. We should be he as in he chose to cheat and he chose this behavior and he chose to disrespect me Blah Blah blah. When I breathed my last breath, you were on my mind. Three days after that OW was fired but for three more weeks the continued communication. Well they are about to become mine, so he wont have anything and they will need to start again. As part of her plea bargain, she was sentenced to two years of probation and 120 hours of community service, and she was also ordered to pay $2,250 in restitution to the Gwinnett County Sheriff's Department. But Im struggling with the grander concepts atm. Cannot believe these people exist who do this kind of criminal stuff you describe? Im suggesting you use her motherly concern and love for her son to wake his ass up before its too late. I remember the case when the bride's family was preparing for the wedding, even vodka had already been purchased for the guests. Hardness in his eyes. Perfect. Everyone turned against her and my son was working here at the time making sure her life was miserable. I keep myself busy and make sure my happiness is met. [15], Wilbanks' case is frequently used as an example, in both scholarly and popular articles and books. There were some major explosions from me long time coming BUT we have left the tunnel and I have to say we stuck with each other. 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